To my best friend,
Sometimes it hurts listening to you talk about all the fun you had in school. I know it shouldn’t bother me. I know that you don’t mean to hurt me, and it’s not your fault that I was always on the other end of the totem pole when it came to popularity. I know you’re just trying to share your life and experiences with me, and I know that I never show it, but deep inside, in a place I don’t want you to see, I’m crying.
You were everything I always wanted to be in school. You were charming, funny, popular, always had a date, and everyone loved you. Everyone still does, and I couldn’t be prouder to call you my friend. You’re perfect, and I think the worst part is, you don’t even get it. You don’t see the people desperately wishing they could be you, to have your intellect, your natural charisma, your drive.
You try to act like you need me. That I’m all you have, but the truth hits me like a slap in the face. You don’t. You don’t need me.
I need you, though. I desperately need you. You really are all I have. No one has ever been there for me like you are. No one has ever treated me the way you do, and, most of all, no one has made me feel wanted like you do.
You have it all. You always have. You say that you wish you could go back to school, and relive the best days of your life, but I don’t. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t ever want to go back to that place where I felt so incredibly alone and lost. You tell me about how mean you were in school. You tell me you wish you could go back and change the way you hurt people, and I realize that you’re talking about me. The people you want to apologize to are just like me. They were me in school, and maybe it’s some sort of weird twist of fate that we’re so close.
You get so excited when you talk about me meeting your friends, and I want to be to. I want so desperately to share your enthusiasm and meet the people from your stories. The people you talk about all the time. The group of friends that owned the school, but the truth is I’m terrified. I’m scared they’ll see through me. I’m scared they’ll realize that I don’t fit in. I’m afraid they’ll show you, and I’m afraid you’ll leave me too.
I’m so afraid you’ll leave me too.
P.S. This post was inspired by the song by 5 Seconds of Summer, “Everything I Didn’t Say” which you can find here. I’m betting this is probably the first of many other post like this.