Very recently I realized that I am starting to fall back into, if not have already fallen back into the pit of depression. I definitely should have caught on sooner, and maybe I did and just did not want to believe it. I fought VERY hard to get out of that pit the last time, and I think the idea of having to go through it all over again just caused me to ignore what I knew to be true. Over the last couple of days, though, I realized that it’s gotten to the point where I really can’t ignore it anymore.
Over the last semester (year, really) I’ve been dealing with some incredibly difficult situations that all just happened to explode about two weeks ago. For one, it is incredibly difficult being in a relationship where your bf/gf is not the same race/culture as you (at least where I live it isn’t). Add to that the fact that it’s also a long distance relationship, and you have to ask yourself if you just enjoy making your life more difficult than it needs to be. To be honest, though, it really wasn’t a huge problem until more people started finding out about us and family started getting involved. Most people acted like they were just worried about me when they not-so-subtly told me I should break up with him because it wasn’t worth the difficulties we would face being together. Others came right out and told me that I was hurting my family and would “ruin Christmas” if I brought him with me. For a people pleaser and someone who loves her family more than anything, this has absolutely crushed me.
On top of all that, I decided to end a friendship before the semester started because it was doing more damage to me and my health than it was beneficial to them. Since then, it has royally blown up in my face. I was just told about a week ago that this same friend has been spreading lies about me to our mutual friends and their families. It got so bad that my family and I decided it would be best to move out of the apartment I was sharing with some of those mutual friends and move to another one where I won’t know anyone. This has been a major source of stress for me since I am an incredibly awkward and shy person.
Anyway, because of these things (and some others) I have slid back into the person that I used to be, and quite frankly, it terrifies me. I have become apathetic about pretty much everything including my career, my school work, my blog, etc.. I’m afraid to get out of bed in the morning. I spend my days laying around the house watching TV and eating (which sounds fun until it actually becomes your daily routine). In short, I have become the exact opposite of who I worked so hard to be.
In a way, it’s almost like once I got over it the first time I felt like it could never happen to me again, so instead of recognizing the signs and stopping it, I let myself fall right back into depression. That’s the scary part about depression. It’s a war. You always have to be aware of yourself to make sure it doesn’t sneak back in and take control of your life, and it’s a battle I have to start fighting again.