My Story: An Introduction

You may or may not have noticed that I haven’t really been posting anything recently. This is because of a couple of reasons. For one, my classes are kicking my butt, and I feel like I’m slowly drowning in a sea of homework and lab work for my three classes. I’m seriously considering dropping Organic Chemistry, but I bought the books and lab manual for a crazy amount of money, and since they will all be useless next semester since they’re switching text books, I’m trying to stick it out.

The second reason has to do with the fact that I just haven’t felt like myself much lately. I’m not really sure if it’s because of all the stress, hormones, being back on my own after spending a lot of time at home, or a combination of all of that, but it’s really thrown me off.

Anyway, the third reason is because, honestly, I wasn’t sure what to write about. There were lots of subjects that popped into my head that I could write about, but none of them really felt right or gave me the motivation to actually write about it, so I just didn’t write anything. I have definitely missed it, though, and a few days ago, I thought about writing a bit about my life and what I’ve gone through in the past. The idea got me really excited because I think it would shed light on why I started this blog in the first place, what I choose to write about, and the feelings and emotions that go into what I write. Very rarely have I written about something that wasn’t straight out of my past, heart, or own experiences.

The hesitation, however, was that it’s quite personal. A lot of the things I would be sharing only one or two people know about, and they’re definitely parts of my life that I don’t want everyone knowing about. What I began to realize, though, is that in order to accomplish what I want to in my blog, there has to be a certain amount of honesty and transparency in what I write. Many times, helping people comes with being able to say, “I see you. You’re not alone. I’ve been through the same things, experienced the same emotions, the same fears, and I promise that it can get better. Together we can get through this.”

So, that’s kind of my reasoning behind writing it. I’m sure that I probably didn’t need to write an introduction to it, but I kind of wanted to just give an update on what I’m going to be writing about since it’s probably going to be split up into more than one post. I’m also going to put it in my About Me section (probably links to it), so it can be sort of an introduction into me and the heart behind this blog. I’m also probably going to be writing more in depth about what I went through and what I learned from it in other posts, so I think that it would make a good reference point.

So, yeah! I guess we’ll see soon how it turns out, and I hope you enjoy reading it!

-Alice

Are Emotions Really Worth It?

There was a time when I thought that emotions were bad, and I really just wanted them gone. I had been hurt and disappointed so many times that I just didn’t want to feel anything anymore. During this time, I started watching one of my favoritest TV shows ever, Once Upon A Time. If you haven’t seen it, I would definitely recommend watching at least the first season. The whole show is all about hope and love, and it always managed to brighten my day. I’m getting off topic, though.

In one of the early episodes, one of the main characters, Emma, said, “Not feeling anything is an attractive option when what you’re feeling sucks.” I honestly don’t remember why she said it, but I do remember hearing that and thinking, “That’s it! I just need to stop feeling and then nobody can hurt me anymore!” Of course, when I thought that I was completely missing the whole point of the episode (and the series, really). That season was all about Emma learning to feel again and how important it is to push through and keep feeling despite your circumstances, but I wasn’t focused on that. I was thinking about how great it would be to finally get to a point where no one could hurt me. I would literally be impenetrable.

A lot of you can probably see how this is a bad thing, but when you’re hurting like I was at the time (maybe I’ll write more about it later) you’re really not thinking about anything but making the pain stop. I started making it my focus not to feel anything, and I can honestly tell you that I succeeded. I got to the point where I didn’t feel anything. When people around me were all crying during sad scenes in a movie, I sat there like a rock. Things that used to hurt me, didn’t anymore. I didn’t cry, and much later I started realizing that it was because I couldn’t cry anymore. I had literally shut down that part of myself.

It wasn’t until about a year later (around the point where I realized I couldn’t cry anymore) that it started to scare me. It really felt like there was this void inside of me. For some reason, I felt like crying would be the way to make it go away. Almost subconsciously, I got into a relationship I knew was going to be bad because I knew it would help me cry, and it did. Whenever I would cry, I would feel better for a moment, but it would never go away.

I guess it really wasn’t until I fell in love and got out of that relationship that it really did go away. I felt a lot before I made the decision to stop feeling, but I feel so much more now. I guess in a way I may be overly emotional now, but I’m okay with it. I think it’s because I know what it’s like not to feel, and I never want to go back to that place. It truly is a scary place to be.

I guess what I’m saying is this. Emotions can suck. They can cause you intense pain and grief, and it is possible to get to the point where you don’t feel it anymore. You can make yourself impenetrable, but remember what you’re also giving up: your compassion, love, joy, and hope. Your humanity. I can tell you from experience that it isn’t worth it.

-Alice

*As always, if you have any questions, comments, concerns, etc. you can always e-mail me at aliceboyd713@gmail.com or leave something in the comments section (even though you may not be able to see it, you can now post anonymously).*